As silly as it might sound I actually went and thought about my future with ‘us’ in it. I remember every single moment from then. You felt different to me from the start and it might have been “love at first sight” for me. We talked and barely 2 weeks later I confessed. I told you I liked you and you replied in kind. We talked everyday over the phone, when we could meet despite our ridiculously different timetables. We went to school together daily and it became a habit for me so.much so I still feel the empty space where you’d occupy next to me. I tried to ask you out, in school and outside but you wouldn’t agree, always rejecting me and I admit it hurt. A lot. I might have been a little pushy there but all I wanted for us to be able to interact more. That’s all.
For some reason we began to drift apart as school life starting weighing down on us. You had all your commitments to handle while I was relatively free. I wanted to be there by your side but was afraid at the same time that I would annoy and distract you. You probably had no idea how deeply I had fallen for you and I don’t blame you for that. I should have guarded my heart better. And everytime I thought of how other guys had so many more chances to interact with you compared to me I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle to maintain what we had. I am emotional and extremely sensitive. I overthink and it screws my head over so much. I feel heartbroken at times but I had no way of letting you know for the fear of your reaction. While I wanted to be with you, your happiness mattered way more to me. When I heard you felt awkward going to school with me I stopped doing it. That week we both missed school twice on different days and I decided to go to school myself on Friday. All this time I was hoping you’d ask why but you didn’t. It cut me a little more and I didn’t know why. Perhaps it’s because you once considered it “an evil question” when I asked if we were going to school together. Many times I feel like breaking down but I hold it all in so no one would see the weak side of me but it continues to cut me up inside. It’s so bad I’d frequent the pub to drown myself but I just.don’t.get.drunk. So it gets worse. Do you have any idea how fucked up I feel when you don’t reply my messages and I see you tweeting. How hurt I am when you’re ‘online’ but not replying me?
We barely talk anymore and you just walk past me in school like we’re just strangers, like none of it ever happened and I’m trying not to care but my heart clenches. When I see you happily talking to other guys while you’re so cold to me I feel like letting all the tears fall. All I’ve ever wanted was to love and care for you, how could you be so cruel. You might have moved on over me, but I’m stuck here wallowing in this pain, alone and lost, unsure of what to do. Because my heart still longs for you but my head tells me
it’s time to let go, move on. I heard you’re talking to a lot of guys who are chasing you now and even received a love letter from one of them. I can’t help but hope that you meant it when you told me you’d not get into a relationship before your As cos I’m trying to let go but it just don’t feel right to see you with another guy.
I’m officially over you. I enjoy the memories we shared together, the feeling of ‘love’ (for want of a better word) although reading through the old messages hurt. The plans I made for your birthday, for the details about you inscribed on my heart, for the present I prepared long in advance have been thrown away in an attempt to erase any hope of an ‘us’ at all. Only a step away from deleting the messages but I can’t bring myself to do it. I would delete your number but a part of me still wants you in my life as a friend. So I’ll try to be friends with you again ss much as it’s gonna hurt.
You’ve lost me and you’re never gonna get me back. These tears that I can’t hold back now as I write, the first tears I’ve cried in almost 10 years, are the last thing I’ll give to you.